Chapter 40!!!

Hey Y’all!!!

Happy 40th Birthday to ME!!! CHAPTER 40.  As I begin to write this blog my eyes filled with tears. Not tears of sadness but tears of joy!!! If you know me then you know I am not a crier. Not because I am heartless, I am just not a crier. So where to begin? This will be a long read so get a cup of coffee, tea or quiet place to enjoy!!

If I can choose one word to describe my life so far is BLESSED! The desire that I feel in my heart & soul to help others has been in the making my whole life! I tried to run from it, suppress it & act like I should be doing something else. I discovered that God won’t allow me to run any longer. I have had coworkers, family, friends & etc. tell me over the years I should be utilizing my gifts & talents, but I was always quick to say I don’t know where to start or people won’t be interested in what I have to say. After much prayer & reluctant obedience I decided to get out of my own way & JUMP!!

 

      

 

I am thankful for many things, but the top two are my MAMA & STRONG WORK ETHIC. My mama is the one person that I know will always have my back & is my biggest supporter!! I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it wasn’t for her. She is my 100% person! See my YouTube video below:

 

 

She has always made me feel loved & showed me unconditional love. She loved me at 315 lbs. just like she does today. She taught me how to be a lady, how to be a woman, how to conduct myself in public & most of all how to love myself!!! If I don’t tell you guys anything else about my sweet mama, know this & hear me when I say this, she is ALL about women loving themselves & taking pride in their mental, physical & outer appearance! She would always tell me “Tina, you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else”. It might not sound like much, but that meant the world to me. It’s how I govern myself & my life. I can’t show a significant other or you guys love if I don’t love myself first. Okay, but don’t get it twisted, mama DOES NOT hesitate to tell me when I am wrong or if she disagrees with something. Especially when it comes to FASHION! LOL!

Strong work ethic is something that was forever present when I was growing up! Mama worked for the same power company for 34 years & retired from there as well. I remember going into the office with her after school & on weekends so she could get work done or to get some OT (y’all single mamas out there feel me). The golden rule was / is we work for what we want & if we don’t have it, we aren’t getting it. That was instilled early & often!!! So, when I wanted a car at 16 the option was working to pay for gas, half of my insurance & school clothes or NO CAR! So ya girl got a job, because I wanted a car! I quickly discovered having a job / money also equaled independence! So, I kept working & never looked back!

 

 

 

Things I know about myself & am unapologetic about in no order. I am a serious person, not mean, just serious in all things that I do. I am not a one for a lot of Bulls*** & small talk. Those that know me they know I am very direct, but if I give you my unfiltered honest opinion it’s because I love and care for you. I am not one to mince words AKA straight shooter. LOL!! I LOVE to shop!! I enjoy good food! I will go out of my way to help or support those I love! I ask 1001 questions (mama this is for you)! I am a loner, not because I don’t like people, but I enjoy my own company & need time to process things mentally. I’ve learned to LOVE & ACCEPT my uniqueness! I LOVE to research & learn new things! I LOVE to write! I LOVE music. I LOVE deep. I am picky. I will probably never give birth. I VALUE authenticity!! I LOVE POPCORN & ORANGE JUICE, I could eat this every day!!!! I LOVE to have fun!! I LOVE to laugh!!! I AM ABOUT POSITIVE THINGS / PEOPLE & SPREADING IT / THEM TO OTHERS!!!!!!!

 

 

A friend asked in a post last week, what would you tell your young self? I responded, Embrace your uniqueness!!! It’s your SUPERPOWER!!! I struggled with this for many years because much of my youth & most of my twenties I was “overweight”. I just wanted to blend in & not draw to much attention to myself. I won’t go to deep because I am about moving / looking forward in life, but my father said something to me when I was 18 years old that greatly affected my self-image. The statement was “Tina, you would be so pretty if you would lose 30 or 40 pounds. Nobody wants a fat a** wife”. I am not writing about this for sympathy, it’s part of my story & I am who I am because of it. We do not have close relationship & I accept that. Over the years our relationship has ebbed & flowed, but it’s always been forever distant & cold. So many things have gone unsaid between us. And I am okay with that, I know that you must love people where they are & you can’t change people. As a result, my relationships with men, food & myself have been rocky to say the least. All those THINGS, those experiences are the RUFFLES in my life! Life is not perfect by any means, & my experiences do not compare to the things that some of you reading this have gone through, but nonetheless they are my experiences! My Life In Ruffles! So, I would tell my younger self girl, be yourself, hold your head up high & yes you will be loved flaws & all! Being you is your SUPERPOWER & nobody can take that from you!

 

 

MARRIAGE & KIDS. Okay… I wanted to be married so bad when I was in my late twenties & early thirties!!! OMG, I thought having a mate was the be all to end all! I dated someone in my late teens to early twenties that I ultimately thought I would marry. When it was time to make that life decision, I told him there was a whole world that I wanted to experience & that I could not do so as a wife & mother. Over the years I have learned to appreciate how honest I was with him. You know that quote, “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes” that was one of those moments! Sounds harsh to tell someone you love I love you, but we want different things right now. Later, I thought I made a mistake & wanted to be married. But now I know it was the right thing to do for me & my life path. Funny thing is I’ve always known what I wanted or didn’t. That is one of my superpowers!!

When I was 23, I found out I was perimenopausal. I started my period at 10 years old, but it was always sporadic. I went through a BATTERY of tests because I wanted to know my truth. Much to my dismay I discovered my reproductive organs were functioning like that of a 45-year-old woman. My doctor informed me that I could carry baby, but most likely not conceive in a traditional manner. I CRIED so hard y’all! Not because I was trying to have a child, but the idea that the option of having a child was taken away from me. At the time my mom said, “Tina if you want to have a baby, I would carry it for YOU or let you harvest my eggs”. Might sound strange but she thought I might want a child someday. Now I realize I can adopt a child if I want to, there are so many kids out there that need a home. Then the overthinking started, who is going to marry a woman who can’t have kids. So, I thought this was a, thing & so I made it into a thing! A defense mechanism to keep my distance in relationships. I thought I was missing something by not having kids & maybe I have, but you can’t miss what you’ve never had!

 

 

WEIGHT. I won’t dwell too much on the past, that’s for another blog! 😉 I plan to do a series on weight loss surgery & things I have experienced. For those that don’t know I have had two weight loss surgeries a Lapband in 2007 & a Vertical Gastric Sleeve in 2014. In 2007 I was weighted in my initial consultation & my weight was 315 lbs. This was my heaviest recorded weight. The day of surgery I weighed 299 lbs., that was after 2 / 3 weeks of no sugar or carbs. And most importantly no Dr. Pepper! When I tell y’all I LOVED Dr. Pepper, I loved it & that I pretty much all I drank not too much water. I did / have not reincorporated soda into my diet, as a beverage. My relationship with the Lapband started as a great love affair but waned as many romances do. I lost roughly 65 to 70 lbs. with the Lapband & subsequently gained about 30lbs back over a seven-year period. I had a Vertical Gastric Sleeve (VSG) operation in 2014. I lost roughly 60 to 65 lbs. after the VSG. I have not had any cosmetic surgery, but I am considering having a breast lift. After losing 130 lbs., let’s just say the GIRLS have seen their better days!!! LOL! My goal is to lose another 15 or 20 lbs., but I am okay with my current weight. The most important thing weight loss surgery has taught me is there is no quick fix & you have to have mental strength & clarity to endure. It’s a marathon, NOT a sprint!

 

 

 

ALL THE THINGS… If you are still reading this short novel BLESS YOU!!! LOL! THANK YOU for reading to the end & learning about me! This is pretty much a summation of what my blog is about. All things that life throws at you & knowing that you are NOT ALONE! We all have our demons or things that get to us, but we must keep going & love ourselves. And MOST OF ALL LET’S SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!!

The CHAPTERS & ALL THE THINGS are My Life in Ruffles!!!!!